For the last year, Jay Warren has struggled to find the nerve to tell his wife he’s gay. Every time he gets the chance, though, he freezes up. He’s ashamed of hiding it all this time, he doesn’t want to hurt her, and the guilt has been almost unbearable.
When his wife dies suddenly, Jay’s conscience threatens to eat him alive.
Funeral director Scott Lawson deals with the bereaved every day, and he’s all too familiar with the inside of the closet. He offers Jay some much-needed compassion and understanding, and from that connection comes a friendship that quickly – perhaps too quickly – turns into something more.
But are grief, guilt, and loneliness the only things tying them together? Or, will Scott get fed up with being used as an emotional crutch before Jay realizes what he has?
January 29 – Dog-Eared Daydreams, Cupcakes & Bookshelves, Mirrigold: Mutterings and Musings, Making It Happen
January 30 – Gay Media Reviews, Lelyana’s Book Blog, Booklove
January 31 – Diverse Reader, Mainely Stories, MM Good Book Reviews
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February 2 – Reading In Sarah’s Corner, Bayou Book Junkie, Xtreme Delusions, The Blogger Girls, A Book Lover’s Dream Book Blog, Drops Of Ink, BooksLaidBareBoys
Tonight, Iím going to tell her.
Yeah right. Just like I was going to tell her every night for the past several months. Probably creeping up on a year at this point. A year of long evenings of pacing back and forth across the living room or the kitchen, gesturing with my drink and talking to myself as I rehearsed the words that I had, to date, never been able to say in her presence. A year of psyching myself up and telling myself tonight was the night, only to lose my nerve the second she came through the front door.
Pacing back and forth across the living room, I sipped the double Seagramís in my sweaty hand.
I can do this. I can do this. God, I have to do this.
It didnít help that she was late. Sure, it was more time for me to drink a little liquid courage and convince myself I could do this, but it was also more time for those ever-present doubts to get up on their respective soapboxes and tell me why I shouldnít, couldnít, wouldnít.
ìDo you really want to hurt her like that?î
ìAfter this long, youíre an asshole for telling her now.î
ìYouíre a jerk, you know that?î
I stopped pacing and rubbed my eyes with my thumb and forefinger.
Come on, Jay. She deserves the truth.
She deserved the truth a long time ago. And every time I passed up an opportunity to tell her, the guilt just burned deeper. One more day of leading her on. One more day of pretending the problems plaguing our marriage could be resolved with just a little more time and patience.
I cursed under my breath, then took another long drink. I put the glass on a coaster on the coffee tableóMisty hated rings on the tableóand kept pacing along that path Iíd worn into the carpet in front of the fireplace.
I glanced at my watch. It was well after nine, and she was always home by eight-thirty.
Maybe her class had run late. Her professorís lectures were always precisely two hours long, so if class started late, it ended late. Thereíd been a massive car accident on the freeway earlier this eveningóa multiple fatality, from what the traffic reporter saidóso maybe that had held things up. But an hour or more late? Even that prof wouldnít hold his class that long.
Her study group wasnít meeting tonight, was it? They always got together after class and sometimes didnít finish up until ten or eleven. I picked up my drink again and closed my eyes as I held the ice-cold glass to my forehead, wracking my brain as I tried to remember if they were meeting on Wednesdays or Thursdays this quarter. Sheíd probably told me earlier. Might have even e-mailed me at work to remind me. I was just too far into this bottle and a night of undoubtedly futile self pep talks to remember.
Better check with her, then, since I wasnít going to find the answer in my own nervous, slightly intoxicated mind, so I speed-dialed her cell. It rang several times, then kicked over to voice mail.
ìHey, this is Misty. Iím probably at work, in class, or just plain not answering, so leave a message and Iíll call you back.î
I cleared my throat. ìHey, itís me. I canít remember if youíve got study group tonight or not, so I wasnít sure when youíd be home, but give me a call when youíre on your way. Talk to you soon. Love you.î
I winced at the last two words. Sighing, I hung up the phone and set it beside the coaster on the coffee table. It wasnít a lie. I did love her. I would love her until the day I died, and never questioned that for a second.
But was I in love with her?
No. No, I wasnít.
And the longer I dragged this out, the more sheíd hate me when she finally learned the truth that I had owed her for a long, long time.
I brought the glass up to my lips, but hesitated. Iíd had enough for one night. No sense being legitimately drunk when she got home. For one thing, weíd end up fighting. Misty didnít mind me drinking, but the second the alcohol showed itself in my speech or gait, she got pissed. I couldnít even count the number of times a fight about my drinking had been the convenient excuse not to discuss the reason Iíd been drinking in the first place.
Not tonight. No.
Come on, Jay. You can do this.
I also needed a clear head. Well, as close to a clear head as I could get. If I stopped drinking now, I might even be completely sober by the time she came home from study group.
I stood, leaving my glass on the coaster beside my phone, and resumed pacing between the coffee table and fireplace.
ìListen, Misty,î I said to the empty room. ìIím not quite sure how to say this, and Iím so sorry I didnít tell you this sooner.î I tried not to choke on the words. ìBut, honey, Iím gay.î
A million images of my wife flickered through my mind, each reacting a different way. One cussing me out. One collapsing into tears. One getting herself a very, very strong drink.
ìWhy didnít you tell me?î she asked in my mind. Sometimes she screamed it. Sometimes she asked through her tears. Sometimes she just asked matter-of-factly, ìJay, why? Why didnít you tell me?î
And why didnít you tell her, Jay?
Scared. Ashamed. Uncertain. Embarrassed. In denial. Didnít want to hurt her. Didnít want to lose her.
Same answers, different night. And when she came home, Iíd choke just like I always did. God, how long was this going to go on?
The longer you wait, the worse itís going to get.
I sank onto the sofa and rested my elbows on my knees. Rubbing the back of my neck, I sighed, wondering how long I could resist the sirenís call of that mostly empty glass on the table. My willpower was melting faster than the neglected ice cubes. I wanted to say to hell with it and chalk up tonight as another failed attempt to work up the courage to tell her, and I wanted to celebrate that failure with this glass and at least two or three more afterward. So what if we fought? Maybe if we did enough fighting, we could divorce over that instead of this.
My shoulders slumped, and I pressed my fingers into my temples. Who was I kidding? I didnít want to hurt her. I had to, I knew that, but not by picking fights and giving us a reason to scream at each other until we could tick the ìirreconcilable differencesî box and move on. She deserved better than that.
She deserves better than me.
Fuck it. I picked up the glass and threw it back, swallowing the whisky in one go, barely tasting how much the melted ice had watered it down. The remaining ice clinked halfheartedly as I put the glass back on the table.
The doorbell rang.
I shot the front door a suspicious glance, then looked at my watch. Who the hell showed up at
Jesus, how the hell was it already nine fifty-seven at night?
Something tightened in my gut. I glanced at my cell phone, which remained still and silent on the coffee table beside my glass. Heart pounding, I started toward the door, and with every step, that something tightened. The hairs on the back of my neck stood on end. The deadbolt had never clicked quite as loudly as it did when I turned it.
I opened the door, and when I saw the pair of somber-faced cops on the porch with their hats in their hands, I knew.
L.A. Witt is an abnormal M/M romance writer who has finally been released from the purgatorial corn maze of Omaha, Nebraska, and now spends her time on the southwestern coast of Spain. In between wondering how she didnít lose her mind in Omaha, she explores the country with her husband, several clairvoyant hamsters, and an ever-growing herd of rabid plot bunnies. She also has substantially more time on her hands these days, as she has recruited a small army of mercenaries to search South America for her nemesis, romance author Lauren Gallagher, but donít tell Lauren. And definitely donít tell Lori A. Witt or Ann Gallagher. Neither of those twits can keep their mouths shutÖ
Website: http://www.gallagherwitt.com
E-mail: gallagherwitt@gmail.com
Twitter: @GallagherWitt
Blog: http://gallagherwitt.blogspot.com
